Reparenting: Healing Inner Child Wounds

We enter our stories or they own us. Only when we have the courage to own our history are we able to write a brave new ending to our story. – Brené Brown

Most humans carry burdens associated with childhood negative experiences with parents, caregivers or other important people in their life. These are “inner child wounds” which contribute to behaviour patterns we play out again and again called “trauma loops.”

Working to heal inner child wounds and early trauma can repair dysfunctional patterns that negatively impact all of our relationships.

Cycle of inner child wounds

Initial event – emotional or physical.

Deep feelings of hurt and vulnerability are created, which can last a lifetime if not examined.

Childhood trauma wounds frequently occur between the ages of birth and 7 years, but can occur in later childhood or adolescence as well.

If these wounds are not resolved they can impact life in many ways, from addiction, to unhealthy self-image and difficulty with relationships.

As the cycle continues, patterns become deeply engrained, like tire ruts on a wet dirt road. This leads to what is called a trauma response where a trigger leads to a patterned response.

Resolution begins with awareness and a commitment to do or think about things differently to break the dysfunctional pattern and regain the joy which is your birthright.

Types of inner child wounds

Abandonment

Abandonment wounds are rooted in absentee parent figures or caregivers. A person may feel the need for attention and express clinginess which can push others away, thus reinforcing the fear.

Neglect

Neglect wounds stem from being ignored, overlooked or not cared for. These wounds can leave a person feeling unworthy of attention or love, leading to doubts in relationships that can also push people away and reinforce the fear.

Emotional

Emotional wounds are the most common type and come in to play when a child is invalidated, dismissed or ignored, making it difficult for the child to gauge their emotional baseline. Adults with emotional inner child wounds can appear distant and avoidant, leading to conflict and misunderstanding that can reinforce the initial experience(s).

Physical

Physical inner child wounds happen when there is consistent physical harm during childhood. A consequence of physical inner child trauma can be difficulty with physical intimacy and in forming deep interpersonal connection.

Verbal

Verbal inner child wounds can happen if s a child you were repeatedly criticized or shamed. This can affect confidence and self-esteem. A person with verbal childhood trauma can be very sensitive to criticism and may struggle to not take things personally. This can create tension and conflict and ensuing relationship conflict can perpetuate feeling of diminished self-efficacy and self-esteem.

Sexual

Sexual inner child wounds happen when the child is exposed to sexual abuse, harassment or trauma and can manifest as a dislike and avoidance of physical touch, which can negatively impact relationships and a positive sense of self.

Inner Child Archetypes

Inner child archetypes describe experience in common and are useful in exploring inner child wounds and also provide a roadmap for reparenting, or undoing, the damage caused by the initial trauma(s) and reinforced over time and experience. The 7 types presented are based on the work of Dr. Nicole LePera in her book “How to do the Work.”

Abandoned child

This person fears being rejected and alone, as well as needing validation. The person may also be avoidant in a variety of situations due to a developed lack of trust in others.

Wounds: self-esteem, self-doubt, trust in others and difficulty in forming close relationships

Healing: work with the abandoned inner child to increase a sense of connection and trust.

People Pleasing Child

This person may not have had their early needs met consistently which developed into a feeling of worth through pleasing, over accommodating to needs of others. This can include feeling of guilt and responsibility, as well as conflict avoidance.

Wounds: Boundary setting, assertiveness, communication and maintaining a sense of individuality

Healing: develop tools to enable healthy boundary setting and an awareness of how they feel in situations where accommodating to the needs of others goes against their own values or beliefs.

Inner Critic Child

This person’s experience has been rooted in criticism, judgement and negative feedback that may also include early abusive circumstance. The child was made to feel that they were responsible for their treatment and their self-critical stance may be used as protection from further outside abuse. This person likely fears mistakes and the appearance of incompetence.

Wounds: self-doubt and inadequacy, difficulty accepting compliments or positive recognition, a tendency to compare yourself with others, and self-sabotaging behaviour related to a fear of failing or judgment

Healing:  develop an awareness of the constant negative self-messages and change these to positive self-acceptance and self-love with the result being better emotional well-being and life satisfaction.

Perfectionist Child

This person may have experience high expectations as a child, possibly with severe punishments for not doing well, even beyond their best, an intolerance of mistakes. There may have been conditional love tied to achievement.

Wounds: anxiety, fear of failure, setting unrealistic standards for yourself and others, and difficulty accepting criticism

Healing: identify and challenge faulty beliefs, develop coping and self-care strategies with a goal of creating a healthy mental balance.

Victimized Child

This person may experience a deep-seated sense of injustice when they don’t get their way. They can have difficulty taking responsibility for their actions and are easily overwhelmed when facing challenges.

Wounds: powerlessness, helplessness, shame and guilt, trusting others and blame others for their unfortunate circumstance.

Healing: identify irrational beliefs about being powerless and victimized and learn skills to build self-esteem and trust in others.

Enraged Child

This person has likely experienced a parent or caregiver who often lost their temper and can include explosive verbal outbursts and physical aggression that arise from deep feelings of being powerless and helpless.

Wounds: emotional regulation (especially anger), tendency to act with aggression and hostility to the perception of a threat or trigger, and have difficulty forming healthy relationships.

Healing: identify triggers, learn and use de-escalation techniques and effective coping mechanisms.

Detached Child

This person’s experience may have been with one or more caregivers who were emotional unavailable or neglectful where they coped by withdrawing emotionally and shutting down.

Wounds: difficulty forming or maintaining relationships, feel isolated and disconnected for other people, and avoid emotional intimacy and vulnerability.

Healing: learning to open to emotional experience, accepting a sense of being worthy and deserving of love and affection, and being receptive to asking and receiving help from others.

Reparenting Your Inner Child Wounds

Disclaimer: Doing this work can in and of itself be triggering and so it is important to be mindful of your capacity to tolerate what may come up as not being ready or prepared to do this work can cause re-traumatizing in some circumstances. Additionally, you may want to work with a therapist who is able to “walk with you” and support you on this journey.

How to Reparent Your Inner Child

Step 1 – preparation

Find a quiet and comfortable space and begin with a few deep breaths, becoming aware of the present moment, and giving yourself a gentle reminder that you are in a safe space and you are only going to explore what comes up.

Step 2 – identify your inner child

Continuing to breath and relax try and get a sense of your inner child without going into the trauma they/you experienced. If a memory comes up allow it and let it go. It is just a memory, a story we have told to our self many times. Memories are our perception of events.

Step 3 – questions and affirmations

After you feel you have a good sense of your inner child begin by asking what he/she needs to feel loved and supported. Listen carefully without assumption and offer reassurance that all will be okay. It may be helpful to write down what comes up as additional support may be indicated depending on what comes up. Additionally, you may want to create affirmations that support your work based on what comes up with your inner child.

Examples of questions to ask based on identified archetype

Abandoned Child

“What do you need from me to trust me?”

“How can I help you to feel safe?”

“What did you feel when you were alone or neglected?”

“What did you need most from your caregivers that you did not get?”

People Pleasing Child

“What needs are you prioritizing when you always say yes to others?”

“How can you create healthy personal boundaries and assert your own needs?”

“What are your fears around saying no to someone?”

Inner Critic Child

“What do you need right now?”

“How can I help you to be kinder to yourself?”

“What purpose do you think your criticism serves?”

Perfectionist Child

“What are your biggest fears about not being perfect?”

“What do you think you need to prove to others?”

“What makes you feel proud of yourself?” “How can I support your letting go of needing to be perfect”

Victim Child

“What experiences have made you feel like a victim?”

“What needs were not being met in the past?”

“What do you need to feel safe and secure?”

“What do you need to be able to assert your needs?”

Enraged Child

“What makes you feel angry or frustrated?”

“What does your anger tell you about yourself and your needs?”

“How can I support you in expressing your anger appropriately?”

“What do you think would help you feel more calm and centered?”

Detached Child

“What do you need to feel safe and comfortable?”

“What emotions are difficult for you to express?”

“What situations make you feel like detaching?”

“How can I support you?”

Step 4 – Ideas for expressing emotions healthily

Emotions are “energy in motion” and need to be fully expressed or can get stuck and cause additional symptoms like anxiousness, tension, pain, etc.

Writing –  journalling, writing a letter to your inner child, trauma journalling

Artistic expression – painting, knitting, pottery, woodworking, metal work

Movement – dance, walk, run, twirl or swing

Talking to a friend or therapist

Self-compassion work – uncovering and letting go of long held patterned beliefs based on the perceptions of your younger self

Self-care activities – therapy, massage, visiting a hot spring or taking a warm bath, learning a new skill, cooking healthy food, travel, making time for friends

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy can also help to "unlock" and "process" negative memories, experiences and perceptions that have become integrated into our sense of who we are, perpetuating a negative self-image.